The Words You Never Want to Hear......

"Well it could be that your baby has Triploidy which is 100% lethal, or that she has a heart defect slowing her growth and will deliver before 32 weeks.” Never the words you want to hear from your doctor at 22 weeks of pregnancy. Brian went into what he described as Charlie Brown teacher mode hearing only wah wah wah before almost fainting and falling off his chair.  I sat there in disbelief taking it all in while the gravity of those words hit me.  I was fine a week ago! How did this all happen?!

I'll be honest, I didn't take too much from it all initially.  When I went in to the hospital Sunday with migraines, I knew that high blood pressure wasn't good but I figured it was something that would just go away.  Another act of spiritual warfare from Satan.  Every time, Royal + Reese is on the brink of something new or good, all hell breaks loose to say the least.  A blow up at work, failing technology, sick kids, marriage struggles, cars that won't start, crashing videos, unexpected bills we don't have the money for, house diasters, etc.  EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

What started as a hobby to sell cute kids clothes, quickly became an exit strategy for all three of us to provide full time incomes for our families.  Never in a million years did we know that God would use Royal + Reese as way to unite hearts, heal wounds, give hope to the broken, and lift up women across the country in all forms and stages of life.  With that platform comes grave responsibility to hold those women's hearts in your hands and to handle them with care.  To love on people in the midst of tragedy, pray for one another in this broken and fallen world, and to support each other in a culture that wants to do the exact opposite.  

Satan doesn't like that!  He doesn't want to see this business succeed.  He doesn't want more people to be loved on.  He doesn't want to heal the broken hearted.  He doesn't want us sharing the love of Jesus, so he has done everything in his power to all but shut us down and he's come very close to succeeding.  

The night before I went into the hospital we received two messages from customers about how Royal + Reese has changed their lives.  It's given them confidence, helped them with depression, given them a bright spot in their day, that they've felt loved by us and our employees and they just wanted us to know how much we mean to them.  The next day I have a 6 hour migraine and end up in the ER with a blood pressure of 183/82.  Coincidence? I think not.

So I said this is a fluke!  It's just another one of Satan's attempts to rattle our faith. He hasn't been able to take us down by messing with Instagram feeds, Facebook settings, deleting 200,000 members in VIP, lowering engagement by 32%, mounting bills,lower sales, and having to cutback employees. So instead, he decided to attack the one area I'm the most vulnerable.  Well he's out of luck. I'm not crumbling.  I'll be fine.  As rare and odd as this is and quickly as it came on, it will go away just as fast.

As the week went on, that confidence started to wane a little.  Wait! This isn't going away.  My blood pressure is still high on meds, I have to meet with a specialist, I won't go to 40 weeks, and I might not deliver with my doctor in the hospital where my other three babies were born.  I ended the week realizing I'm in the fight of my life and the baby's life. That this once "fluke" spiritual attack is now very serious and real, and will change my life forever no matter the outcome. 

I believe God can.  I don't doubt his loving grace or his mercy.  I believe in miracles and I know that he's allowing all of this for something that I currently don't understand.  What I don't know is IF he will.  Maybe it's not his will that we have 4 babies.  Maybe it's not his will for me to live till I'm 80.  Maybe this is my testimony.

So while I sat in that conference room and heard the doctor say, I think you're scared and putting on a very brave exterior, but I need you to be scared so you will rest. Scared? I can't be scared!!!  I've got people that count on me to be strong.  I'm not the crier.  I'm the pillar.  I'm the one people look to in times of adversity.  I'm the one they lean on for strength. I'm the one they expect to always be there.  I'm the one that takes care of everyone else.  How could I possibly be scared?!  But I am scared.  I'm scared to death to be honest. Everything I'm comfortable with has been stripped leaving me raw and vulnerable and I don't like that.  I'm having to sit back trying not to feel guilty that my sisters are running the business without me, that my mom, husband and nanny are taking care of the kids, and people are blessing us with meals all the while I have to sit still.  Those things make me very uncomfortable and yet I have this overwhelming peace that this is exactly where God wants me.

It’s amazing when you’re forced to slow down what your eyes are opened to. You have an overwhelming gratitude for friends that would do anything for you, for a family that uproots their lives to take care of you, you engage with your kids in a new way rather than counting down the hours till bedtime, and you start focusing on the positives in your marriage rather than the things you’d like to change. You realize in the rest and the waiting that God was running ahead of you orchestrating all the details months before, but now you’re able to recognize it because you’re not overtaken by the tidal wave that is life. So while this place is uncomfortable and treading on foreign territory for me, I will praise you in this storm! 

I will praise you in this Storm - Casting Crowns